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2005's TOP TABLOID HEADLINES

by Michael J. Oelrich

Despite a growing reliance on interpreting clichιs literally, 2005 turned out to be a better year for tabloid headlines than 2004, which was marked by a startling dearth of originality. Here they are then, starting with the ten to which we are awarding Honorable Mentions.

20 SCIENTIST CLONES HUSBAND — then marries the younger version! — WWN

19 JESUS WAS A JAPANESE GARLIC FARMER! — SUN

18 RUMSFELD CLAIMS ABU GHRAIB PRISONERS WERE PLAYING 'TWISTER' — WWN

17 PRUNE JUICE MAKES YOU STUPID — WWN

16 SCIENTIST INVENTS 'REVERSE LIGHTBULB' THAT MAKES ROOM DARKER — WWN

15 Bricklayers entomb annoying co-worker — WWN

14 POLICE ARTISTS ON STRIKE All suspects look like stick figures — WWN

13 EINSTEIN'S BRAIN COMES TO LIFE—AND GOES ON RAMPAGE! — WWN

12 SODA JERK LIVES UP TO NAME — WWN

11 GRAVY TRAIN DERAILS! --- WWN


Herewith are 2005's Top Ten (drum roll please):

10 MAN POSES AS CPR DUMMY FOR WOMEN'S TRAINING CLASS — WWN

9   PRISONER CHOKES TO DEATH ON LAST MEAL! — WWN

8   GENEROUS KIDS SHIP THEIR UNEATEN PEAS TO STARVING CHILDREN IN APPALACHIA — WWN

7   SLEEPWALKING BURGLAR ORDERED TO STAY AWAKE 10 YEARS — WWN

6   MAN CAN SEE ONE SECOND INTO FUTURE — WWN

5   COWARDLY MATADOR ONLY FIGHTS RABBITS — WWN

4   It's like Oscar night for terrorists . . . WHO WILL WIN THE OSAMA? — WWN

3   Tough guy walks 2 miles with a bullet in his brain — SUN

2   NEBRASKA DOESN'T EXIST, SAYS AUTHOR — WWN

1   FIREFIGHTER FIRED FOR FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE! — WWN

 

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