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2004's BEST TABLOID HEADLINES Here are twenty of our favorites in no particular order, with smartass remarks, er, commentary, by our editor and would-be tabloid headline expert, Michael J. Oelrich: RELIEVE ARTHRITIS PAIN WITH FRESH MANURE! — WWN This is either a medical miracle or an awfully cruel joke to play on our elders. MAN FALLS OFF ROOF - MOUNTING LUCKY HORSESHOES — WWN Isn't irony delicious? MAGIC WALLET NEVER RUNS OUT OF MONEY — WWN My wife seems to think I have one of these. EVIL MOLE PEOPLE FOUND IN WYOMING — WWN Just another reason to stay the heck out of those red states. SADDAM'S SPIDER HOLE TURNED INTO RESTAURANT! — WWN It's so hard keeping up with all the latest trends . . . Hunter shot by dog — WWN A wonderful update of the old 'Man Bites Dog'. TWO IN FIVE GYNECOLOGISTS ARE FAKE — WWN So the question you have to ask yourself is, am I getting a medical exam or just putting on a free show? KIM JONG'S WARNING TO ALL NORTH KOREANS: HOKEY POKEY — OR DIE! — WWN That Kim Jong be Illin'! WOMAN, 79, DIES IN MEATLOAF EXPLOSION! — WWN Yet another comfort food-related death. MARILYN MONROE WAS A VAMPIRE — AND HOOVER HAD HER KILLED TO PREVENT HER FROM BITING JFK! — WWN Finally, a conspiracy theory that makes sense! KILLER HAMSTERS FROM HELL! — WWN Somehow these seem worse than just rats. TERROR TOADS INVADING AMERICA'S TOILETS! — WWN Cryptozoology, paranoia, bathroom humor and alliteration all in just five words! New Iraqi abuse charges ... PRISONERS FORCED TO WATCH JERRY LEWIS MOVIES — WWN Talk about man's inhumanity to man! DICK CHENEY IS A ROBOT! — WWN We already knew he was partly mechanical . . . Hole in ozone layer is sucking world's penguins into space, say scientists! — WWN What will those tree-huggers worry about next? GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS A WOMAN! — WWN Of course she was. Art collector buys forged paintings with counterfeit money — WWN This one is an entire O'Henry story in just eight words. LARRY KING'S HEAD IS GETTING BIGGER! — WWN Sometimes it just feels good to finally get one's suspicions confirmed. GEORGE W. BUSH WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS — that's the REAL reason for the gap in his National Guard records! — WWN And his dog ate the WMDs . . . CONCRETE ENEMAS A BAD IDEA, DOCS WARN — WWN Whatever would we do without the sound advice of medical professionals? |
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