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THE TOP TEN TABLOID HEADLINES OF 2003

by Michael J. Oelrich

    Week in and week out some of the best headlines in the world are written by the editors of America's finest newspapers, the Weekly World News and the Sun.  Every month we use a little space here to honor the 10 finest.  Now that the end of the year is here we'd like to take a look back at the very top tabloid headlines form the year 2003.

20   NAZI ROCKET CRASH-LANDS IN LONDON 58 YEARS AFTER IT WAS LAUNCHED! — WWN
This simple sentence evokes an entire original Sci-Fi  flick in the mind of the reader.

19   MAN INVENTS NEW BICYCLE — for horses! — WWN
Why? one wonders.

18   TERROR OF THE RIDDLER DWARF! — WWN
Five words we never in our lifetimes expected to hear uttered in the same sentence,

17   SCIENTIST ATTACKED BY KILLER SQUIRRELS — WWN
I've included this one because of my well-known weakness for squirrel headlines.  So sue me.

16   SPACE ALIENS ARE SENDING THEIR KIDS TO EARTH’S UNIVERSITIES . . . & they’re making our top students look like idiots! — WWN
Notice how this headline almost makes literal sense if one removes the word "space" and substitutes "America's" for "Earth's."

15   SEAGULLS ATTACK ROBOT FALCONS! — WWN
Well, of course.

14   WOMAN FINDS DEAD LEPRECHAUN IN A JAR! — WWN
Gruesome, yes, but what a vivid image.

13   MONKEYS ATE MY CAR! — SUN
Don't you hate it when that happens?

12   200 ELVES LAID OFF! . . . as Santa moves operation to Honduras sweatshop — WWN
A sign o' the times.

11   CHIMP ARRESTED FOR RECKLESS DRIVING — WWN
I wonder if they took away his license?

10   HILLBILLY ZOMBIES CAUSE MOUNTAIN MAYHEM! — WWN
Five words that are not just pure poetry, but another movie I'd pay to see.

9     DUCK HUNTERS SHOOT ANGEL! — WWN
It was just a matter of time . . .

8     FEBRUARY TO BE CANCELED! — WWN
Now I wonder if they can do anything about Mondays.

7     VENGEFUL FROGS EAT FRENCH CHEF'S LEGS — WWN
Justice is sweet, particularly when meted out to the French.

6     MEAT-EATING LIONS DEVOUR VEGETARIAN MISSIONARIES — WWN
This headline defines the word "irony."

5     HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BOSS IS A DEMON FROM HELL! — WWN
Why would we need proof?

4     NEW SUPERNATURAL MENACE . . . WEREPOODLES — WWN
Next full moon you'd better watch your ankles!

3     LOST DOGGY TRAVELS 100 MILES TO COME HOME . . . to attack the owner who abandoned him! — WWN
What a refreshing twist on a favorite tabloid cliche.

2     “FANG YOU, FANG YOU VERY MUCH” Vampire Elvis is on the prowl, say cops — SUN
I wonder if he's in league with any werepoodles?

1     HOTCAKES NO LONGER SELLING WELL — WWN
If anyone ever writes a book about economic conditions in 2003, this should be the title.

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