The Top Ten
Tabloid Headlines of 2002
With critical
analysis by Mike Oelrich
Honorable Mentions
The Misdirection Award goes
to
YOUR
CAR IS TWICE AS LIKELY TO BURST INTO FLAMES AS YOU — WWN
Only TWICE as likely?
The Camel Through The Eye Of
The Needle Award goes to
DRUNK SWALLOWS BOWLING BALL! — WWN
Well he was drunk.
The Unproven Connection
Award goes to
Girl with 14 fingers wins typing contest — WWN
Of course she did.
The O. Henry Twist of Fate
Award goes to
Escaped convict tunnels BACK into prison . . . TO FLEE HIS NAGGING WIFE!
— WWN
Reminding us
that we’re all, as the Eagles once said, “prisoners of our own device”.
The
Most Fearsome Fate Award goes to
FLESH
EATING WORMS TURN YOUR FEET INTO SWISS CHEESE! — WWN
This headline
paints a disturbingly vivid picture and makes good use of the age-old connection
between feet and cheese.
And now the Top Ten . . .
10
Man sues for custody of wife’s breast implants in bitter divorce — WWN
This
headline comments on the absurd extremes to which human pettiness will extend. It’s also kinda dirty.
9
PSYCHIC USES POWERS TO LIFT GALS’ SKIRTS — WWN
Finally a psychic who uses his powers the way we would use them.
8
E.T.s PHONING HOME IS COSTING TAXPAYERS MILLIONS! — WWN
Can’t you just see Joe Six-Pack angrily chewing his cigar over this
one?
7
2-HEADED MAN RUNS FOR MAYOR . . . Against HIMSELF! — WWN
This proves an old equation of headline math: Politics
+ Deformity = Irony.
6
LOOK WHAT WAS LIVING IN A WOMAN’S EAR! — SUN
This one had me craning my neck to see.
5
JIMMY HOFFA FOUND — IN ELVIS’ GRAVE — WWN
This cleverly resolves one mystery by involving
another and raises far more interesting questions than it answers.
4
FLESH-EATING SHEEP ON RAMPAGE OF DEATH — WWN
This one pulls various tabloid buzzwords out of a hat
– “FLESH-EATING”, “RAMPAGE”, “DEATH” – throws in the wild-card
word “SHEEP”, and gives you a headline that looks hackneyed, yet engages you
intellectually.
3
Werewolves protest plan to blow up moon! — WWN
It’s about time that folklore archetypes became politically active.
2
ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS A WOMAN! — WWN
No wonder he grew
that beard . . .
1
VENTRILOQUIST IS IN COMA — BUT HIS DUMMY’S STILL TALKING! — WWN
This chilling little headline could have been written
by Rod Serling himself.
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