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TOP TEN TABLOID HEADLINES OF THE YEAR 2001

Chosen and with editorial comment by Mike Oelrich*

10 ONE ANGRY WOMAN, A SHARP KNIFE & 13 men whose lives will never be the same! — WWN
This is the only headline I’ve ever read that sounded like it was written by Raymond Chandler.

9 126 reasons you should never get drunk at a tattoo convention! — WWN
This one allows our imaginations to do all the work.

8 THE WORLD IS RUNNING OUT OF VAMPIRES & GHOULS Monster rights groups blame President Bush! — WWN
I love the goofy juxtapositions of some of these heds. This one beautifully combines horror fantasy with anti-Political Correctness backlash.

7 Charles Bronson’s brain is for sale! — WWN
Let’s diagram this one, shall we? Charles Bronson’s | brain | is for sale. Each of the three segments doesn’t seem to belong in the same sentence with the other two. Together, they send our synapses on a giddy wild goose chase. Reading this headline is like taking your first sip of champagne.

6 550,000 Elvises can’t be wrong! — WWN
It doesn’t matter what you believe about the argumentative force of consensus — the idea of there being over half a million Elvises is awe-inspiring.

5 Iraqi madman’s pantyhose secret! — WWN
Four little words that manage to make Jingoism kinky.

4 New hope for the dead! — WWN
All together now — “Huh?”

3 Noah had dinosaurs on the Ark! — SUN
Now wouldn’t that be cool? And how come they didn’t eat all the animals?

2 Man sets lard-eating record! — WWN
How can such a normal sounding headline conjure up such an incredibly disgusting image?

1 Was medieval ‘demon’ a giant squirrel? — WWN
This scholarly headline makes a mockery of both science and the intelligence level of our ancestors. Note: Any headline with the word ‘squirrel’ in it is bound to make my monthly list.

*Mike Oelrich is the editor of THE MAGBAG, Chicagoland's source for magazine news, which publishes a monthly list of the top ten tabloid headlines in every issue. 

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